The Secret

Communication Breakdown

It happens to the best of us. Communication is such a fickle thing, and the lines of communication can become blurred every so often, especially when feelings are involved. Even those who think that they are immune to the confusion of conflict can find themselves drawn into a communication breakdown when they least expect it, and chaos ensues.

This happened to me on the weekend, and until to be quite honest, it took me by surprise. Even those of us who are better equipped than many others are not immune. My partner told me something that really hurt my feelings, and I lashed back in defense. It was a silly argument, over something as simple as a misplaced bottle of aftershave. But to me, it represented something much deeper, that had been simmering away for a couple of weeks. I get frustrated at having to search for something when it is not where I expect it to be. Worse still when my partner has shifted it and I don’t know the first place to begin searching.

Aftershave, needles and thread, car keys, a Tupperware container to store my baking soda in, covers for our outdoor chairs, all were examples of instances where I had to turn the house upside-down. A simple answer from my partner when these things were shifted would have saved me a lot of time and frustration. And the answer I got? "You need to open your eyes and organize yourself better"

I was gutted. When I come home from work I exercise the dog and cook dinner so that it is on the table by the time my partner gets home. The house is always spotless and warm, as I’m very conscious of coming home to a tidy environment. I see this as a fundamental part of my role in coming home first, and it takes a lot of my time. To imply that I have the time to "organize yourself better" really hurt.

I don’t expect praise, but I did hope that my efforts were recognized. I got told that "I don’t expect you to cook my dinner every night" was interpreted by me as ingratitude, and hurt me even more.

So where to from here? My partner felt guilty at coming home every night to the perfect household, whereas I felt guilty if it wasn’t perfect. It was never about me trying to make him feel guilty, but it seems it did. And this is where the communication fell down. He misinterpreted my efforts, and I misinterpreted his response.

Communication, communication, communication. I need for my partner to keep me informed of where things move to. I need to be informed. I need to voice my frustration before it gets to boiling point. We both need to talk about our feelings more, and how each of our contributions to our home and our relationship make us feel, and how we interpret each others contributions. It is not a competition, but for many couples it feels like it.

When people feel guilt or stress, it leads them to act funny ways. Often stress and guilt are barriers to communication. The key to overcoming them is to recognize what it is, and have the courage to talk about it. You might be able to do it as a couple, or you might want the help of a friend who can listen to the way you are communicating with each other and offer insights and advice.

We got it sorted out, and kissed and hugged. It wouldn’t hurt so much if I didn’t feel such love at the same time. But it served as a good reminder to me. Sometimes you get so wrapped up in your own emotions that you forget to think of the other person. You also need to entertain the possibility that you are misinterpreting each other. Talking about it is the way to expose the miscommunication and let the healing begin.

A good lesson to learn, even for the experts…

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How A Couple's Retreat Can Enhance Your Love Life

Tip! Couples that are in love, and I mean actually still in love after years of being together, feel younger. Ageing seems to be slowed down by a loving situation.

Everyone needs to get away from time to time and that includes married couples. The boss, the kids, the bills, and the stresses of everyday life can become overwhelming to just about any couple. In today's modern world, we become ill, moody, and it is easy for us forget what life and marriage is all about. It is during these times that we need to consider marriage retreats so that we can put things into proper perspective and to put our marriage back on the right track. In such a relaxing atmosphere, it would be hard not to connect with our spouses.

There's just something about being in a peaceful paradise that helps you slow down and begin to feel your spouses all over again. The concept of what a couples retreat is, is different for everyone. Some people will go so that they regain the romance in a relationship. Some couples just need to be alone. Some couples need to see different and unique things and places just to be able to add some passion to their lives.

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Couples need to let their retreats begin by renting a cottage on the beach where you can be all by yourself. There's no one there that you will need to please but yourself and your spouse. There are no expectations of how you should dress, act, behave, or speak. It's just you and nature on your couples retreats. The sun will warm your body, and the people will warm your soul.

How can this not be a great way to regenerate your mind body and spirit as a couple?

When you go on a couples retreat, you will not only get to spend some quality time with your partner, you will also be able to take part in group and private counseling sessions as well. You will be able to work on your marriage's love life while in a peaceful atmosphere that offers you none of the pressures that can make this sort of connection impossible at home. The unbiased therapy that the couple can receive will help the couple to hash out some of their problems.

How to Stop Your Divorce

Tip! It will allow you to love life again, to see the beauty in every experience, to be non-judgmental and open to new relationships.

You have invested a lot of time and energy in your marriage. For some reason, you just can't seem to make things work. You and your mate aren't talking to each other like you used to; you have started to sleep separately; or perhaps you or your mate have been unfaithful. There are a million reasons why a married couple might consider divorce, and sometimes it just doesn't feel like the right thing to do. Sometimes, one or both spouses still have enough feelings for the other to want to prevent a divorce.

There is a reason why judges insist that both people be in agreement on a divorce before they will actually grant one. The process is a very simple one; in that if one spouse doesn't agree to the divorce, there is always a chance that the marriage could be saved. If you are in a situation where you want to stop your divorce, there are many avenues that you can take that just might help you to save your marriage.

For starters, you can give marital counseling a try. This is not to say that it will definitely work for you and your spouse; however, it may just be the best route for you. When you go to marital counseling you are given the opportunity to voice your grievances about your spouse with an impartial party. Marriage counseling has helped millions of couples to find the reason they married in the first place. It helps many couples to reconnect. It is also a great way to get the tools that you will need in order to maintain that connection throughout your marriage. Of course, this method works best when both spouses are willing to participate fully.

Tip! Role playing is a great way for you to be able to make your love life a great deal better. It is also a good way to explore fantasies.

You can also try to save your marriage by taking part in a marital retreat. Many churches and local clubs offer retreats for married to couples who are having problems. These retreats are geared toward helping those couples who are interested in taking part with other couples in group therapy sessions. This is also a great way for the couple to get away from all of the hassles of their daily home life while working on their marriage. When you don't have pressures like children and work to interrupt you, it makes it much easier for couples to focus on what's really important.

You should never wait until your marriage is in a shambles before you finally take notice as to how important it is to you. When you do that all you are guaranteed is that you will eventually be faced with this problem. You have to be willing to talk and listen in a marriage. You also have to be willing to let some things slide every now and then. In the end, the only thing that can really keep a marriage together is if both people want it that way. Sometimes, it is just better to cut your losses and move on.

Marriage Communication: How to Add More Life and Love to Your Relationship

Tip! Leave a note professing your love for your partner to find during the day. Put the note where it will be found, easily.

Do you know how many couples use belittling and name-calling in their marriage. This style of communication causes deep wounds and erode the foundation of a relationship. Read on to discover how to use the power of positive words to release life into your relationship and strengthen its foundation.

Positive words have power to release life and love into your marriage and strengthen the foundation. Affirmation is one way to use positive words in your relationship

Jack and Donna's Story

Jack and Donna were consumed with each other's character faults. When they came to counseling, they could only see the negative traits because of the pain and anger.

In order to head off a divorce, I explained the power of affirmation. Initially, they were not able to find any positive traits about each other. With a lot of prompting, Donna was able to come up with the fact that Jack was a good provider. Jack said that Donna liked children.

Tip! When your partner arrives home for the day, take their hand and pull them towards you aggressively. Offer a huge hug, kiss and say, "I missed you today!”

These things were pretty basic. However, it was a start. With time, they were able to think of more positive character qualities and it became easier. This had a ripple effect in their marriage. They began to look for positives instead of negatives.

Teaching an old dog new tricks

In another situation, I was explaining to a couple the importance of speaking positive words to each other. The man told me, "You can't teach an old dog new tricks." I responded that, "I did not realize that I was talking to an old dog."

I also explained how the benefits of affirmation included more peace at home, a happier wife, and a better love life. A few months later the old dog had learned new tricks. Their marriage had improved and both of them were happier with the relationship.

Visit www.BuildingYourDreamMarriage.com for more tips and tools for strengthening your marriage. You can also visit www.BuildingYourDreamMarriage.com to subscribe to my free newsletter and listen to a free audio. You are also invited to find out more about our relationship building services from Jeff Barnet, MS LPC.

That spark that drew you too together can be reignited. I'll show you with more than 101 ways to find creative romance, make for great date nights, reevaluate your relationship on fresh ground, and much, much more.

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"Is Love, then, so Simple"

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IS love, then, so simple my dear?
The opening of a door,
And seeing all things clear?
I did not know before.

I had thought it unrest and desire
Soaring only to fall,
Annihilation and fire:
It is not so at all.

I feel no desperate will,
But I think I understand
Many things, as I sit quite still,
With Eternity in my hand.

Write A Love Letter

We feel good when we make the people we love feel happy. The person you love, who loves you in return, wants to know what he or she does that makes you happy and wants you to describe those things in your own words.

Steps

1. Think of a time when you felt particularly moved by seeing your loved one. Recall the emotional and physical feelings you experienced in that moment.
   
2. Write a description of that moment including details about your feelings at the time, starting with a phrase such as, "I remember when…"
   
3. Recall two or three other experiences when you were moved by your loved one's words or actions. Add recollections of these experiences to your letter in the same way you wrote about the first one.
   

Tips

• Describe your experiences using your own words, without forcing yourself to be fancy.
  
• Exclude clichés from your letter.
  
• Exclude rhyming poetry
  
• Write two or three drafts until the letter sounds pleasing.
  
• Write your own, original words, not something you've read or heard. The most important thing of all.
  
• If you do quote something make sure to give credit for it.
  
• Read it out loud! Just because it makes sense on paper doesn't mean it will make sense when spoken.
  
• Try to Learn Calligraphy. If you think that's hard, it's not. Go to an art supply store, and get a pen, a fine nib, a thicker nib if you like, and a bottle of ink, then go slow and carefully when you write. This not only lets you think more about what you say, it also looks far more impressive.
  
• Do not use a sentence like "you are hot" or "I like you a lot" or something like that, it might make them a little uneasy.
  
• Do not explicitly refer to parts of the anatomy. This could be a turn-off. Don't use flippant language either. (Example: badunkadunks.)
  
• Cheesy can be okay, but be sure not to overdue it. Make it sweet, heartfelt, and true.
  
• Don't lie to impress. Example: Don't say "I love the way you flip your hair" to impress her/him, when thats not true. Honesty is the best policy.
  

Warnings

• Be prepared to receive a hug and a kiss after your loved one reads your letter.
  
• But hey, face it, not everyone is in to you. Don't write a love letter unless you're sure the guy/girl is into you. Writing something as heartfelt as a love letter may be too much for some people. Be prepared for a letdown, but don't absolutely expect it.
  
• Keep it simple, but hearfelt.
  
• Don't focus on yourself. This can be a major turnoff.
  

Related

• How to Write a Love Letter or Love Poem
  
• How to Write a Letter